I was going to post something profound and thoughtful, but having been sick in bed for two days I find that my creativity and ability to think are still considerably hindered. And not wanting to let the urge to post pass me by once again, I’ll turn to randomness to keep me in (return me to?) the swing of things.
1. Having taken two sick days this week (I know — ASTONISHING. I never take sick days. I really was that sick.) I find that I’m having trouble getting myself back into work mode. I’m staring longer than usual at the people who present themselves at my desk, and it takes longer than usual for me to comprehend what they’re asking me. (Part of this is that I’m still too sick to care what they want. Part is that my ears are hopelessly clogged. Part is that having been sick I can get away with it.)
2. My workaholism seems to be waning significantly. I felt the slightest pang of guilt when I went home on Monday after having made it at work for only an hour and a half, and another fleeting pang when I emailed in sick on Tuesday, but really I harbored no continuing guilt at all. Again, I was just sick enough to make this justifiable, but it really does concern me a bit because A) I usually can’t handle staying home from work for any reason, and B) if I’m not experiencing chronic guilt at any given moment something must be seriously, radically wrong with me. Today the guilt is back in general, so no need to worry, but the reality is that somehow I no longer wish to work as hard or as many hours as I used to want to. (The fact that this means that I am either burned out or permanently broken is something that needs cogitation and will perhaps be addressed at another time.)
3. I am uncontrollably, helplessly addicted to my iPhone. I have no idea how I ever lived without the thing, nor do I wish to try ever again.
4. I’ve started reading again. After not having finished a book for months (again with the astonishing, I know…I’ve been a bit off kilter, I think…well, obviously) I’ve delved back into the literary (or rather, not-so-literary, as the truth would have it) world with a fervor almost close to what it used to be. (Can that still be called fervor?) I now remember how I best get through my free time. (There are ever so many ways to justify and/or rationalize the situation if a fictional character turns out to be less than I wished for.)
5. A friendship I’ve been experimenting with has turned out to be a complete disappointment. Although, come to think of it, this was expected, so I guess disappointment is a bit of an overstatement.
6. Another friendship I’ve been experimenting with may have some potential. While my guess is probably not, I’m trying to extend myself into the realm of optmism for once (so very many astonishing things today) so I’m not yet pooh-poohing the thing entirely.
7. Talking about experimental friendships makes me miss my friends. The real ones, the tried and true.
8. Being sick (or maybe being home…resting…like a normal human) has taken away the crankies (for now) but has, as it is wont to do, brought on the blues. Or maybe just induced a reality check. Sometimes I’m unable to discern between those two things.
9. While the above randomness may tend toward exposing my anti-social side (ok I know…the use of the word ’side’ here is more than a smidge of an understatement…) and the pessimism that goes along with (at least for me) having such a side, I am not the ingrate I seem to be. One of the things that has been pretty powerfully returning to me lately is a sense of gratitude. Really profound gratitude. For my friends and loved ones, for my job, for my warm and cozy place to live, for my cute car, for the fact that the holiday season is over and will not return for nearly another year. For so many things.
10. And gratitude? Gratitude has the potential to warm me as very few other things can. While hobbies, friends, loved ones, things and people I wish could be with me for the long haul tend to ebb and flow, to enter and leave my life seemingly at random, I’m always ok if I have gratitude. Because if I am thankful it means that I am remembering that I have Someone to whom to be thankful. And as long as I’m remembering that Someone and the leadership and care that He has afforded me, somehow I’m different. Different in a really good way. I remember that that the truly valuable, truly good stuff of life (including my existence itself) is indeed not at all random but is part of my life for a reason.
Posted by jbaccus1