Shouldering the weight

On a recent Sabbath at church a friend from the choir described me as “putting on a brave face”.  While the face I’ve been presenting has, at least to me, not been particularly brave, this description has put me to thinking, and I have to admit that recently the view from here totally bites.

It has been an eventful few weeks, but the thing most predominantly on my mind has been a seriously distressing case of neck and shoulder pain.  It started with what I thought was a kink in my neck that turned into an impossibly frozen shoulder, and I have been driven to distraction by pain unlike anything I have ever experienced.  The MRI I suffered through (and incidentally an MRI, I discovered, is not for the feint of heart…it was a truly awful experience) has revealed what the problem is (herniated disc in my neck) and while a trip to the orthopedist did not fix me (didn’t do anything but thoroughly tick me off and keep me away from work for the majority of an afternoon, in fact), I am at least set up to see more doctors of different sorts who will hopefully have some very clever ideas as to how to take care of this problem.

Other than the hideous pain, my biggest issue (at least in terms of this particular problem) is that I need this to be fixed completely in a very expeditious manner.  Stat, tout suite, etc.  I need this to be quick for several reasons, some of which I will mention here.

1.  We are soon to move out of our building at work.  I will be completely useless in this process if I cannot lift things and pack boxes.  I refuse to be useless.  (I often feel useless, but that is something entirely different.)

2.  I have a huge list of knitting projects that I wish to get through this summer.  I had hoped to complete  a few pairs of socks and at least a couple of sweaters (there are actually many, many sweaters on my list, but I thought two or three would be a reasonable place to start) by the end of the summer.  Knitting is an impossibility in my current condition.  The sweater I started a few weeks ago is languishing on my desk and socks still on needles are beckoning from their basket.

3.  My attitude has been in serious need of adjustment lately anyway, and living on pain medicine is doing nothing to move this in the correct direction.  I am sleepy and cranky and depressed, and more often than usual when someone in a perky mood walks into my office I have a really terrible time resisting the urge to slap the smile right off his or her face.  While doing this might make me feel better (no guarantee, unfortunately, but I’d really, really like to see if it works), it would do nothing to improve general morale.  (While some may think that this should be part of my job description — improving morale, that is, not slapping people — I am surely the wrong person to have been chosen for that particular task.  But I digress.)  My friends and my animals and the poor people who have to deal with me at work on a daily basis are totally sick of me, and rightfully so.

4.  Being in constant pain totally sucks.

5. I am incredibly impatient when it comes to these kinds of things.  My lack of patience affects me in nearly the same manner as do pain meds.  (Refer to No. 3.)

I am having a difficult time coming to terms with the simple fact that getting this problem fixed will not be fast at all (don’t even get to see the first of those other doctors until the end of this week), and I am actually quite nervous about the whole thing.  There is perhaps an up side to this, in that I will hopefully get more reading (my three favorite fiction writers are all coming out with new books within the next few months!!!) and writing accomplished, as these are among the few things one can do with an arm that doesn’t work properly.  (As long as I can continually remind myself that reading and writing are not the same as watching tv shows or movies for hours on end.  One of the problems with not owning a television is that I receive pretty much all of  my visual entertainment in bulk via dvd or online providers.  My stack of books waiting to be read is pointless if I succumb to complete Huluification and Netflixis.)  And, at least for now, my legs still work so walking and hiking are at least within the realm of possibility.

I feel a bit like the weight of the universe is sitting on my left shoulder (or, more accurately, as though a universe’s worth of red-hot kitchen knives are being stabbed into it) and my “brave face” is, if it was actually there in the first place, most definitely starting to crumble.  Trying to keep it up is exhausting.  Pain is exhausting.  Worrying about being in pain is exhausting.  Thinking about how much I’d really like not to be in pain and trying really hard not to constantly complain about constantly being in pain are exhausting.  (I think you get the idea.)

I know that compared to so many things, compared to completely disastrous circumstances in the lives of so many people, my current situation is massively inconsequential.  I should not be complaining about any of this, as everyone has his or her own stuff going on.  (But this is my blog.  I can complain here if I want to.)  I’m trying my very best not to let this particular thing get the better of me, but I have to admit that I’m not doing as well as I’d like and I’m feeling pretty down and out these days.  Hopefully a visit to yet another doctor this Friday will at least help me find a course of action and thus (fingers crossed) relieve a bit of the stress.  More later on that.

I think, though, that at this point (if you’ve taken the time to read today’s ramblings in their entirety) I should be able to consider you duly warned.  It is probably not a good idea to walk into my office smiling.  My right arm still works very well.

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